I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize