Small penises have feelings too.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
