never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
