did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
