I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
