I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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