I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
