I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
