Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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