Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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