you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
