I'm gonna have a badass scar
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
