ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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