I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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