I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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