it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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