Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
