life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
