I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
