And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
