I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
