Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
God I need to hump something, right now.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
