Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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