I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
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i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
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My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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