So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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