I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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