OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
