I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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