those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
