You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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