Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
