some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
