Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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