ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
