my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
