I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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