im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!