Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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