Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.