This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad