please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
