i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
