If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
