So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
