I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
