Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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