So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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