If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
