What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
