Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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