cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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