i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
