I'm so fucking centered right now
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
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Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
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You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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