I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
