Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
