my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
