you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
